Or how to avoid becoming “The token feminist”?

Between two uncles who start with: “You feminists…”, the grandfather who thinks that “It was better before” , the old aunt “ who thinks that women are no longer feminine”, the mother who demands grandchildren and the brother, who doesn’t lift a finger at Christmas dinner , there’s enough to make you lose your temper, isn’t there?

Before diving into your favorite sport of the season— debating —you first need to distinguish between family members who genuinely want to understand your struggle and those who just want to drive you crazy. Don't waste your energy on the latter.

We are not Wikipedia! Our role is not to educate.

Let's start by saying that you're not the spokesperson for feminism , that you can absolutely say "I don't want to talk about that" or "Okay, shall we change the subject?". Between end-of-year exhaustion and complicated family meals, there's no need to become the official activist and champion these causes in front of those you love despite everything, and whom you'll probably want to see again next Christmas.

Responding to sexist remarks without becoming emotionally exhausted

“We can’t say anything anymore”

You can bring sensitivity , respect , and empathy back into the conversation. Don't be afraid to say that something isn't funny and that you don't feel like laughing at everything. "No, I don't have a sense of humor, explain to me what is funny?" This forces the other person to think about what they just said.

“There are more important things, though” or “In my day, we had real battles”

Draw on your personal experience by recalling all the times you and your friends have been afraid: of homophobic remarks, of walking home from a party, of wearing a dress on the subway…

You can also put into perspective everything that feminists considered extremists at the time have accomplished for women today: the right to vote, the right to open a bank account, equal access to education, legal recognition of domestic violence…

Just a few days ago, the European Parliament adopted a text that facilitates access to "safe" abortions for all women on the continent! In Canada, the Pay Equity Act only came into effect in August 2021 ! We've made a lot of progress, but there's still a long way to go.

“Did you see how she was dressed?”

Ask him, who are you trying to impress by wearing a skirt with your family at Christmas? Then, you can point out that plenty of women wear makeup or dress up for themselves, not to attract men. You can go further and try to explain that even if a woman attracts a man, she always has the right to change her mind , to back out, and to say "no" at any time…

You can also remind people that appearance isn't up for debate and that it's exhausting to never be enough. Never modest enough when wearing a skirt, never sexy enough when wearing pants, never visible enough when wearing a headscarf. Blaming a woman's appearance and choices is a very old way of shifting male responsibility. This reasoning is based on the idea that men are incapable of self-control. It's a profoundly disempowering view.

“I have never seen harassment, homophobia or racism around me, we talk about it too much, that’s all.”

First, acknowledge the person's experience, then put it into context by providing concrete figures to explain that their experience doesn't represent the majority of cases . Let's not forget that the person making this comment is often, if not always, a man, heterosexual, white… but thank you, Gérard, for your comment…

“Men suffer too”

Yes, of course. Feminism doesn't say otherwise. Recognizing the inequalities experienced by women doesn't erase those experienced by men .

"Soon we won't be able to talk to a woman without being accused of harassment."

Remind them that talking isn't harassment , and that like everyone else, there's a way to be respectful and respectful of consent. You can explain that it might be hard to grasp, but unwanted touching and inappropriate comments are still common in our experience as women.

Admitting you've experienced harassment isn't like having a sudden craving for chocolate at Christmas; it takes a lot of courage and stems from deep distress. Offer to talk to women politely and respectfully, and be mindful of their reactions.

The SIMONES talk about it very well right HERE.

Putting our commitments into practice

Christmas is a time when social expectations, gender stereotypes, and discrimination are brought back to the forefront.

1. Gendered gifts, sexist toys: Giving without perpetuating stereotypes
   
   The toy aisles of major retailers still send a chill down your spine: a pink aisle for girls full of dolls and hairbrushes, and a blue aisle for boys with construction toys and superheroes. A 2015 study reveals that boys are more likely than girls to play games that develop their spatial intelligence: construction sets, puzzles, Lego. For stores, marketing gendered toys is a reliable approach, leaving the choice to parents.
   
   What if we replaced the question “Is it for a man or a woman?” with “What does the person like?” Mixed games, inclusive books, creative, scientific, or sporting activities accessible to all: there are now many alternatives for giving pleasure without perpetuating gender stereotypes.
   
   🎁 Gender-neutral gift list at Belle et rebelle.
   
   

2. A feminist Christmas is also a Christmas of solidarity!
   
   Buying is choosing! This holiday season, you can choose to support local female creators who make a living from their passion. At Belle et rebelle, we're an all-female team and we're lucky enough to collaborate with brilliant women who contribute to the development of local Quebec creativity. I assure you, it's worth checking out! Supporting local creators and projects led by women helps to rebalance, on a small scale, economic systems that are still very unequal.
   
   The spirit of Christmas is also about generosity, solidarity, and sisterhood ! This makes it the perfect time to support organizations that help women. It's a wonderful way to transform a simple purchase into a meaningful gesture (I'm sure Grandpa will be thrilled to know you contributed to women's health on his behalf this Christmas!). HERE you'll find organizations you can donate to during the holidays .
   
   

Final survival tips: you can help yourself by identifying your allies; you don't have to be alone in this situation.

Sometimes, all it takes is framing the conversation, asking the other person for their references , telling them you'll look them up, and then you can continue the conversation. Don't hesitate to offer recommendations in turn to enrich the conversation: books, films, podcasts… ( and why not make them your Christmas gift! ). You can bring a small guidebook with you and leave it lying around on the table, e.g., 1. We Should All Be Feminists – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie , Everyone Can Be a Feminist
– Bell Hooks , The Daughters of Marianne: A History of Feminisms, 1914-1940 – Christine Bard